i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
