i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
