and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
