...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
