One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
