Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Boobs are out for the taking
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
