i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize