I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
