HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
