The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
