So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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