i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
