I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
