After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
