Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
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