So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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