I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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