Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
