apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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