So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
