My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
sarcasm needs its own font
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize