This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
