my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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