billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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