Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
