Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
