mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
