I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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