I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
