why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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