Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
