i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
