I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize