What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
