In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
