How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
