Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
