I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
you had me at cake vodka
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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