Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize