Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
