never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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