I murdered the dance floor call the cops
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I need to sanitize my soul.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
