I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
birth control should be required to get into college
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize