Are we in a gay sports bar?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
