You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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