Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Terrible idea I love it
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
