Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
