a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
