Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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