Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
