theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
