his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I think i got beer on your cat.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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