The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
