Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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