I should be sponsored by Trojan
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
