Why is your signature on my underwear?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
