The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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