Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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