I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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