Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
