Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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