my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
