Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize