I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
