I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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