Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
