woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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