Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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